You’ve been considering and planning your divorce for years. Your partner found out last week. And your children just heard the news.

Many times, one partner has made the decision to divorce and informs the other partner or they engage in behavior that, if discovered, would likely end the marriage.

If you’re the one who made the decision and initiated the divorce process, you already took the time to work through your emotions, deal with your grief (or relief) over the end of your marriage, and began to consider what life could be like after divorce. You may already have explored outside interests, friends, and romantic relationships.

Your partner and your children need time to catch up.

The information is new to them and probably shocking. Be respectful of what they are experiencing. You may be finished with your marriage and eager to “move on” but they are in shock.

If you’re the one receiving the news, understand that your partner is far ahead of you in coming to terms with the idea of divorce. They may have been considering the option for years before a decision was made. You may be wanting to “work on your marriage” and they’ve already decided they have no interest in doing that. That reality can be painful and confusing.

Seeing them be less bothered by the divorce seems to you that they didn’t care as much.

Realize they have had more time to work through their feelings.

They’ve already considered what the divorce will mean for them and your family and they’ve decided to move ahead.

You need time to come to terms with their decision, grieve the loss of your marriage, and figure out what it will mean for you. Your children need time and your support to grieve and adjust to what it will mean for them.

The one who initiates the divorce has an advantage in that they are not surprised, they’ve already started to create a post-divorce life in their imagination or reality, and they are ready to move on.

The partner and children have just had the rug pulled out from under them. They are scrambling to figure out, “What does this mean for me? What does this mean for our family?”

One of the most painful comments I hear repeatedly is, “My kids and I are devastated, and my partner doesn’t even seem upset about the divorce.”

The same divorce but very different experiences results in added pain and confusion.